I’m Still Here

I’ve not visited this blog for a while. Not that I really don’t have time. I could squeeze time to write but the past months had been depressing I don’t want to fill my blog with nothing but rants. Got trouble at work because of my being incapable to balance work  and life. I didn’t pursue day care because mama found a relative who would take care of my son but turned out that I was just being used to fill her months of no work. As soon as her husband flew to Manila and an opportunity to work she orchestrated this alibi that was so good that it almost ruined a relation with a friend. She didn’t really take care of little E. The house is a mess because she’s lazy. Always on the phone or fixing her hair. I was in so much stress. She didn’t really want to work as a helper or nanny.

The house has a lot of problems that we constantly  have to report. There are people coming and in out of our house only to create new problem. There are still problems but this month i decided to take a break because the past weeks I’ve been having the worst migraine attack. I’m constantly absent because I can’t work from home because I don’t have internet yet. My boss hates me. I hate me. I honestly feel like I’m drowning. From all the responsibilities and the failures that I have to consonantly juggle. This month I choose not to dwell much on it anymore. We have a new helper. She’s ok. I hope she continues to be. I try not to be attached because I tend to expect and expectations would only lead to disappointment. I don’t want to go through that again.

The house well we are fixing the problems one step at a time. I try not to be bothered by the things that is still can be fixed and to the things that is beyond our control I try to convince my brain to forget or ignore. I have to be patient.

To fix stress away I try to still find time for myself when Little E is sleeping. I read a book at night. In the morning while little E is still sleeping I go gardening. Our front yard is improving a lot. We are now growing vegetables. It’s fun to see the seeds you sow are now grown plants of even blooming flowers. So for now this is our house. Still need to buy cabinets for kitchen and bedrooms. And so much more. All the more I wanted to continue working. Not necessarily of the material things but because I want a comfortable life for our family. The past weeks feeling really like I’m no good as mom and a career woman I have been thinking about quitting my job even though really it is not an option. But having goals for the family drives me to hold my chin up and just go on. So yes I’m still here.

 

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