This is the second day since I have given birth that I have been hands free. Today is the second day I am observing yaya. I miss Euan. Yesterday I have not carried him from morning till evening and I’m just in the same place as him how much more if I am already working where I’d be very far from him. So far yaya is doing ok with a few mistakes but not something that can’t be thought. She has to learn how to feed Euan with correct amount of expressed milk then burp him, change his diaper, play with him, calm him down when he gets cranky and then put him to sleep. So far day two is a breeze. Hopefully I would be able to make a separate post about my yaya.. I have tons of things to catch up with. It has been two months after all! Can you believe such time has passed. I forgot how difficult was the first weeks. Even now we still have our bad days but nothing could ever beat the first weeks. I remember when the nurse finally gave me Euan it was the first time I would be holding him I was so scared. From hospital to our house I held Euan in that only position because that is the only way I know how. It was a good thing I had a mommy friend who came over to help me with our first night with our baby. She thought me how to pick him, carry him in other position, feed him, burp and a lot more. I remember Euan screaming for the first time with us and I panicked a lot! We tried feeding him through my breast but no milk. After trying enough we finally gave up and fed him with formula milk. I honestly thought that i would already have milk that we only bought one bottle. We were not prepared at all and I even asked my friend that she sleeps over because we don’t have any idea what to do. Of course she has to go home because she also has kids to take care. When the three of us were finally alone I couldn’t stop staring at our baby. I keep observing the rising and falling of his tummy to know if he is still breathing. I didn’t have any sleep at all. The next morning E had to leave me so he could buy more bottles for our babya nd do the grocery. Imagine me alone with a baby! I cried because goodness I have no idea what I was doing. Although I have spent a lot of time reading and watching youtube on how to take care of a newborn it is still different when you are the one to do it for the first time. I had no one to ask around if what I was doing is correct. I wish my mother was with me at those moment. As soon as Euan is asleep I had to clean the house because it was a mess from the day the we left it when we were on our way to the hospital. I was supposed to be resting but we have no one to help us with. Our parents are far from us. It was so hard for me and E. I remember E telling me that he never ever thought that it would be this hard and how he feels bad for us both and he was saying sorry. I tried to be cheerful despite exhaustion because I know that E could use a positive vibe. We are our own team so I have no time to feel down. Looking back I am really proud of E and I. We survived those sleepless nights just us. We learned a lot and it is indeed true that o there is no better teacher than experience. I thought I was ready for the task because I really gave a lot of time in doing research and i ask tips from my mommy friends but only then did I realize that all babies are different from one to another and what may work for others will not in ours. Top that with exhaustion and anxiety and everything that you have read are gone out the window. You have to get to know your baby your own with perseverance and patience because they don’t come with a manual. It is the most tiring thing I had to ever experience but then the most rewarding. I am very proud indeed of E and I because two months and our little one is healthy and is now smiling and making baby talk to us. Looking back we would have never thought we would be able to bring up a baby just the two of us because most of the people we know always have help around and we keep getting not very encouraging words because to most of them the only way we could make it is we have our parents with us which is not possible. Our situation is not very common especially when you live in the philippines where family are in such a tight knit but I’m glad we still made it.