Hello friends! It was rather too assuming of me to think that just because i already have a help i would have time to blog. I was wrong. I still got lot of things to do the past weeks. Today i am completely hands free and alone in my room. I am training my yaya (nanny) to handle baby by herself. So far I couldn’t stand hearing my baby cry and I just have to hide and endure to not be the one to comfort. I don’t know if I could ever concentrate from work. I know i have to make this work. I have to do this for my baby.
Anyway I have to catch up on my post about how i gave birth of Euan before I completely forget about it. Where were we? ahhh yeah baby got into correct position and so we can proceed to normal delivery. So yes doctor ordered for me to have non stress again. I was wheeled in to the operating room for the test. They had this two devices tied into top of my belly to monitor my contraction and the baby’s heart beat. I remember looking at the clock it was already 8 oclock in the evening and I began to worry for my husband because an hour has passed since i last saw him outside the operating room. I wanted to tell him myself that he should have his dinner first and come back for me after he is finished. I asked the nurse if I could see my husband and she told me that no one else is allowed to enter the operating room. She was nice enough though to pass my message to E. After an hour of waiting I started to feel more pain on my stomach and the interval of next pain has become shorter. The pain has intensify as time progress and I started to panic! I thought that I peed myself from the pain. It turns out that it was my water bag that broke. The pain was too much that each time I had the contraction I’d moan. A nurse came in because I was making lots and lots of noise and she seem annoyed. She told me “What you can’t take it anymore?! want to be cut open?”. I wanted to see my husband. I wanted to hug him because I was so scared. Then the nurse IEd me and asked me while i was in so much pain where my diaper was. I answered I didn’t have my things with me because I only came for a check up. She was annoyed again with my answer. 10pm came and I was in so much pain and I was alone in a room with no aircon or electric fan. This is not what i expected at all. I have been watching too many actual birth videos but none of those was what I was experiencing. I thought I would be surrounded with friendly and supportive nurses and my loved ones but i was completely alone. No one was there to comfort me and to tell me I will be ok. No one was there to hold my hand. I didn’t understand what was going on I would have loved to hear E’s voice but i dont have my phone all I have on was this diaper and gown. I couldn’t take it anymore and so i started to cry. Till the doctor came in and I wanted to be hugged so much. She checked me then and told me I was already 5cm. I was so desperate for comfort that when i saw the nurse assisting her I held her hand and i couldn’t stop crying. So i was going to give birth any time soon. A nurse approach me to have me sign a paper for the epidural. Remember my previous post? I was completely confident I was not going to go through it. I told the nurse I can’t decide without my husband. So this nurse called in the one rude nurse and was giving me this WHAT-NOW look. She was like telling “well your husband is not allowed to come in here and the doctor is already on her way! make up your mind.” I didn’t answer her and so she had no choice but to call my husband. Seeing him made me feel better. I wanted so much to hug him. He saw my condition and then for the first time he was teary eyed. I must really have looked horrible for him to show such emotion. He then convinced me to go through painless. I had no choice but to no longer think things through because I was just so terrified and overwhelmed with the pain. They have to send E back outside and he hugged and kissed me.
So they have to transfer me to this room where they deliver the baby. This guy who supposed to transfer me to this bed would not assist me. I told him I couldn’t move from the pain and he just answered me rudely “you have to help yourself”! i felt i was in a horror film. I had to crawl to the next bed and can’t believe I was able to do it. And then the anesthesiologist came in and had to inject drugs on my spine. If I were not in so much pain I would have ran away but i could hardly even move anymore. So the guy who transfered me to this bed had to hold my head and knee so i could bend my body. I was in a middle of a contraction that I had no choice but to hold this guys arms and he was so angry and told me “REMOVE YOUR HAND! DON’T HOLD ME.”. Even from this rude person i would seek comfort! I didn’t even feel the needle on my spine. After that I was feeling a bit sleepy.Then they had to transfer me to a smaller room because someone is getting CS on that room i was in. I was so dizzy when they wheeled in my bed to this room then my doctor was already there. Then i remember she carressed my head and said darling this it you will finally see your baby. That was the nicest thing anyone has ever done to me so far the whole time I was in the operating room. The doctor thought me how to push and how to breath. I’m not even sure if I was doing it correctly. I felt like I had 5 red horse. I was so drugged. All i could remember was the doctor telling me i was doing great. I could even hear the nurses say that I was doing good. I pooped! a lot! how could I be doing good? i didn’t care anymore if I was making too much mess. I just wanted to have my baby out already. I got some guy nurses push my stomach and i wished they didn’t do it. I had a hard time breathing everytime they would do it. I don’t know how many pushes it took but I finally heard Euan’s cry. I had to look at him while they are cleaning him. I wanted to hold him right away. I was expecting for them to have me hold him but they just let me kiss him. 😦 and I was out. Baby was delivered 12:46 on Dec. 3, 2014. I woke up and I saw for the first time baby’s pictures from E. He is so beautiful. I was waiting for the nurses to call me so i could breast feed my baby only to find out that they have formula fed him already. 😦 even though my milk was a no show I wanted to try latching at least.
Everything that have happened to me in St. Therese Hospital was awful. If I could turn back time I would taken the time to research more about hospitals and if they are a breastfeeding advocate. That was the biggest regret I ever had. I was treated poorly too. I will never ever recommend that hospital.
So that’s it for now. This is a long entry and already I feel exhausted. I miss my baby. 😦 Even though he is just in the next room i wish i could hold him now.